A Purging of Men

What a weekend. I did nothing particularly exciting ... I went to DC and I also frequented the 2 regular spots I frequent right here in Baltimore, but there was one disarming thing that happened this weekend that I didn't realize until yesterday - I ran into no less than ten different guys who I've had in interest in recently, many of whom I posted about on this blog. I ran into the "first call" guy I blogged about last week, who never returned my call by the way - that fish is dead in the water. I ran into the "perfect guy for me who is currently taken yet I never seem to see his boyfriend when I see him out" - and no, he never called either. I ran into the guy I went on a date with weeks ago but never made it to the second date - ironically, after running into him twice he now wants to see me again really badly, but I'm not so sure I'm feeling it anymore. I ran into the moron, although I didn't say hello, though I really wanted to and still do. (I did text him ... I think I understand kind of why he was moronic to me ... personal issues). I ran into my ex's ex, who had introduced me to my ex to begin with (and warned me!). And to make matters worse, I actually called my ex. Why, I don't know. I was browsing names on my phone and saw his name and got the familiar lurch in the pit of my stomach. U know the one - the mixture of "why did I waste so much of myself on him" and "why doesn't he want me the way I want him". I went to hit "delete" but somehow found myself hitting "send" instead. But I knew he wouldn't pick up being that part of my issue with him was communication ... but of course, in this instance, he picked up. I didn't have anything to say. It was polite. We talked for about ten minutes and he asked if I wanted to get together on Memorial Day and hang out to which I responded "yes". I knew he wouldn't call as he said ... he never did and I didn't expect that to change. The only difference this time was ... I didn't care. About him, about these other guys, about any of it! And it felt grand. I didn't care.

Incestuous Baltimore has left me feeling like I really just need to give it a rest here. I'm done looking. I'm done making finding someone a priority in my life. I think I've experienced a "purging of men" and it feels fab.

Through all of this, though, even though I honestly wasn't looking for this to happen ... I have a ray of hope. At the very least, I think I may have found a new friend, and that's a wonderful feeling in itself. I'm not going to write too much about him yet (don't want 2 jinx it). Suffice it 2 say I think I've found a connection with someone. The future is a mystery. And that's a good thing.

"Strumming my pain with his fingers, singing my life with his words, killing me softly with his song ..." - Roberta Flack/The Fugees, Killing Me Softly